Thoughts about life

Well.... my last post I was trying a new workout thing. Guess Im not very good at the blogging about it part since it has been MONTHS since I was last on here. Just so you know- I liked the 21 Day Fix ha, I ended up doing it for like 4 months.
 Anyway, today Ive just been thinking a lot about life and where life is going. People define SUCCESS in different ways. It is:
  - the attainment of popularity or profit
  - making lots of money
  - not sucking
  - high standing, well paying job
  - free from personal evaluation
Websters Dictionary defines it as "a favorable or desired outcome." So, like I said before... this "outcome" is going to be different for each person you talk to. So how do you know if you have become successful in life? Well- for me I've put a lot of thought into this. I feel like I will be successful in life if:  I have a family who loves me, I can provide for myself and take care of myself, I am happy/ can find happiness everyday. But most of all- I just want to love myself. How can you be successful in life if you dont even know how to love yourself.
 Im working really hard lately on the whole self love thing. I mean really it is the center behind everything in my life. How can I love another if I cant love me. How can I expect someone else to love me if I cant love me. How can I be happy if I cant love me. How can I have self confidence if I cant love me. So basically- I need to learn to fall in love with myself, and just be myself.
                    "Be Who You are- Not Who the World Wants You to Be"
I love this saying. We all wear masks everyday. Well- I know I always felt like I was hiding behind a mask. I felt like I had to always be this person for everyone else's sake. So now Im choosing me. Im choosing my happiness and Im choosing my love. Buttttt that said, its not very easy to do. Its difficult to learn to stop worrying about other people's judgement and just do what you want. But I dont want to live my entire life based on what other people might think. I have this thing I do- if I start feeling like I am going to be judged for something Im wearing or doing; I put myself in someone else's shoes. If I were to see somebody else on the street wearing or doing what I am about to, would I judge them? Most of the time the answer is no.... and sometimes if I find it to be yes then I realize half the time its just cause Im being judgemental and thats even worse. 
I love this picture because it is so true. Stop worrying about everybody else. No matter what you do or who you are somebody out there is always going to be judging you. So just forget about them and do what makes you happy. I have chosen to spend 3 1/2 months traveling New Zealand. No Im not working or going with anybody or anything like that. Yes I am nervous but also sooooo freaking excited. But when I tell others- I see the thoughts and the judgement. People tend to think its a stupid idea, or Im dumb for going alone, or Im wasting my money. Truth is, it doesnt matter what they all think because its not going to change my mind as to whether or not Im going. No matter what they think its not going to change my plans because I am doing what I wanna do. I am choosing me.
       "I got dressed for myself this morning. Put on eyeliner for myself. Put on my favorite
        red lipstick for myself. Showed a bit of skin for myself. I wanted to be beautiful for myself."
I know I always tend to ramble- but I guess basically Im trying to get to this point. Success for many has to do with money. Please people, change your mindset. Its true that all the money in the world wont buy you happiness unless you know what happiness is. And how can you be happy if you dont love and choose yourself first. Im not saying choose yourself in a selfish manor- but choose your happiness before changing who you are to satisfy someone else's happiness. "The Greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think."

21 Day Fix

    So my coworker convinced me to try out this new weight loss fab called the 21 Day Fix Challenge Pack. I figured what the heck why not give it a try. So basically what it is is 21 days of portion control, plus 21 days of specific workouts and 21 days of the Shakeology shakes.

This is the exact thing that I ordered. The way it works is you are supposed to eat a certain amounts of each container a day based on what your calorie intake should be.
Green- Vegetables
Purple- Fruit
Red- Protein
Yellow- Carbohydrates
Blue- (Idk ha almonds, hummus)
Orange- dressings
In addition to eating these containers, I also replace breakfast each morning for a Shakeology shake. Starting this out I quickly realized the most difficult part of this entire process was figuring out what to eat and how much of it to eat.

	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday
Breakfast	Shakeology Almond Milk Blueberries	Shakeology spinach strawberries almond milk	Shakeology Water Banana Peanut Butter	Shakeology 1/2 tsp cinnamn 1/2 tsp nutmeg almond milk	Shakeology Honey Almond Milk	Shakeology Almond Milk Strawberries Bananas
Snack	Strawberries Almonds	Apples Oatmeal	2 Hard Boiled Eggs Apples Oatmeal	Greek Yogurt Strawberries Blueberries	Almonds Apples	Almonds
Lunch	Spinach cherry tom, cucumbers Chicken Dressing	Grilled Chicken Green Beans Almonds	Grilled Chicken Salad strawberries	Turkey Burger Veggies	Salad cherry tom cucumbers chicken dressing	Turkey Burger Quinoa Sweet Potatoes
Snack	Greek Yogurt Strawberries	Blueberries Greek Yogurt	Almonds	Oatmeal Almonds	2 Hard boiled eggs carrotts	Carrotts Blueberries
Dinner	Tilapia Tacos veggies sweet potato	Stirfry Chicken Brown Rice	Turkey Burger Steamed Veggies Quinoa	Tilapia Tacos Veggies	Steaks Quinoa Sweet Potato Apples	Chicken Ham Swiss Cheese Broccoli

I am currently one week into the 21 day fix and this was my meal plan for the last week. I gave myself a bit of a break on Sunday and ate mostly leftovers from the week and prepared my meals for the next week. One week down! Woo Hoo!! Here is what I have realized:

- This is hard

- I love chocolate

- I love shakes for breakfast

- Its all surprisingly very filling

- It can be difficult to eat the scheduled amounts each day

- Doing the workouts is challenging

IT WORKS!!

So This first week I did the entire thing WITHOUT doing a single workout. I know its bad.... I got sick and well there is no excuse. So one week in and I havent done a single workout. With that said. I am one week in and i have LOST 6 1/2 POUNDS. And that is just from eating right!! Its amazing to see results so quickly. Especially after doing all of this without even working out. Today was day one of my second week of the 21 day fix and I started it out with a workout. I will keep this updated on my meal plans throughout the weeks and the workouts as I do them. I will also update as I (Hopefully) continue to lose weight!! Lets hope this works!!

Happily Ever After

    My whole life Ive been in love with fairy tails. Especially fairy tail romances. I absolutely loved Disney Princess movies and how somehow prince charming was always able to save the princess and take her to a better, happier place. I guess thats what started my obsession with love stories; both real and fake. I wanted a prince charming to come in and whisk me away to some magical, happy, loving place where I no longer had to worry about anything. I kept watching my friends have these awesome love stories; and honestly I dont even know if theyve ever thought about it. But I have. Im always thinking about the love story. Weve got the friend who met her husband in class but wasnt available, and weve got the one where they became absolute best friends who fell in love, theres also the friends who fell in love practically against all odds. I mean these are love stories to me. They are the stories I think about and I want someday. Ive tried to make them happen for me. I mean just about any guy I dated/had a fling with/had a crush on I came up with a story for. Here's just a few to give an idea:
- met dancing but I was taken
- met at a New Years Party
- gave my number to my waiter (that was him)
- we were college neighbors
- he was my best friend that i fell for
Of course - we met on tinder
And you cant forget - we met 4 days before his mission
I know lots of girls think ahead in relationships to what things would be like; and honestly half the time I didnt even really like the guy that much. But that didnt matter. I never could seem to control my mind from coming up with "Our Story." Honestly I have no idea why I do this. And it kinda sucks because no matter how much I do or do not like the guy, when things end (And yes for now I do mean when) its not the guy I tend to miss. Its the story. I miss how great our story could have been. I want a story that when people ask how you two met, their reaction is something along the lines of "awweee thats so cute." I often wonder if guys can sense that maybe Im getting ahead in a relationship or something It always makes me laugh when I hear that line "Im just not ready for anything right now." Truth is your not ready for me. And thats totally fine. Ill get over you.... but as pathetic as it may be... Im going to miss how cute our story could have been. So though I may not get my Prince Charming and have my night at the ball story, I am sure that though it is not in my control nor can I choose how it may happen, I will have my story someday. I will find the story that makes me want to tell it over and over again. Ill have my "awe thats so cute" moments and Ill have it for the rest of my life. Im not sure what the point of all of this was.... but I guess bottom line is people are always saying fairy tails are unrealistic and they will never happen. I only think thats true to a point. I think I can get my Prince Charming and I think that I can be taken to a happier, loving place where Ill have my story to tell the rest of my life.

What if...

So my last post I talked about making Today the Greatest day ever. So now my question is... What if today is not the greatest, farthest from the greatest, in fact, what if today is just a really terrible day? Then what? Some days you wake up, and its a wonderful day just from the start. Sometimes the sky is blue and you are just happy as can be without even having a worry. Sometimes you wake up and the sky is gloomy... you cant find the sun and the joy that comes with it. You tend to just want to lie in your bed and watch TV and focus on how crummy your life may be at that very moment. You cant think about the good. All you can think about in that very instant is how horrible things have become. I've had my fair share of these days... especially recently. When you move to a new town where the only person you know is your Mom... things can be kind of.. well... pathetic. Life can get pathetic and it can really drag you down. Outside of little old Utah its not easy to make new friends. People in the church here have known each other for years and don't seem very interested in meeting somebody new. Outside of the church worlds seem to revolve around alcohol. So trying to keep that temptation out of my mind my abilities to meet new people are very limited. Some people may look at those rough days where I want to stay in bed as me being "depressed." And yes the attitude behind it is very depressing. You feel very low about yourself and the world in those moments. But the truth is... those few days where you let your struggle get the best of you are not the days that label you as being "depressed." The truth is depression is an everyday struggle; not a once every other week struggle.
   I feel like many people don't understand the true side of depression. People see the instance described above and then label someone as being depressed. They may be down and just needing a friend or need some joy in their life but that alone is not what creates depression. Depression is waking up in the morning and having to convince yourself to get out of bed. Not because you want to wallow all day long... but because you cant stand the thought (sometimes) of living through another day. I'm not saying anything about wanting to harm yourself. That side of things is a whole other story. But it is waking up, getting ready, going to work, coming home, and going to bed. Making sure your smiling during the day so people see you and think how happy of a person you are. Sometimes you have to be careful not to over exaggerate happiness so people don't get suspicious. It is engaging in conversations you don't have a care in the world for; only because that's what normal people do. It is going home at night and eating dinner.... not because you're hungry but because you know your body needs you to. Its going to the gym and out to dinner and doing whatever you need to so the people around you don't worry. Its pushing through the pain, pushing through the scars just to make it through another day. At the end of the night, you lie in bed and think "yes one more day down." You cant think too much of tomorrow because its too overwhelming. All you can think about is today. You made it through today! Congratulations. There are different kinds of depression. For me... its the kind where as long as I do everything the way I think it should be done. Nobody will ever know. Not unless I want them to. But deep down I know Ill  be okay. As long as I just keep going. Keep taking it one day at a time. As long as I keep this up I can be okay. So the answer to my own question is... when today is not the greatest, farthest from the greatest, just really terrible day.... keep on going. No matter what you are dealing with now. No matter how hard life gets either physically or mentally... keep going. Take it one day at a time. Because someday.. when I least expect it. I wont have to convince people anymore. I will just truly be happy.

Today is the Greatest

"Today is the greatest... day I've ever known. Can't wait for tomorrow.. I might not have that long."- Smashing Pumpkins

   I heard this song for the first time forever ago.. I honestly cant remember when I first heard it. The other day I was driving home from kind of a rough day of work and it came on the radio. First thing I thought was "How do I know this song?" Then I started really listening to the words and I couldn't help but smile. I moved back home for a few months and its been probably the hardest transition I've ever had to endure. It was not something I ever really planned on doing and have found myself focusing a lot on the struggles I've faced during this time.
   Since this song came on the radio a few days ago, I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. And now I know why. This song talks about the Greatest Day I've Ever Known... so what was mine? What day in my short 21 years of living is the greatest day I've ever known? Was it that time in High School when Michelle and I ditched class and broke into my house just to eat some brownies? Was it the day my dad took my sister and I to Mesa Verde and we went horse back riding and visited the ruins? Or the many dance parties Emily and I had in my bedroom...Was it sitting around a campfire playing and listening to music or 4 wheeling up the mountain yelling ridiculous things with my friends? Was my greatest day that date I went on with that boy or the day I climbed Stairway to Heaven or what about that time one summer we spent on the boat?
   I've been thinking a lot about what the greatest day of my short life has been so far. And trying to figure this out has taught me one important thing. I don't have that Greatest Day ever that I can pinpoint and always look back on. Instead I have a summer where I met some of my closest friends, I have massage school where I met some truly amazing people, I have those crazy spontaneous adventures and crazy  memories with my wonderful family. I've been blessed to not just have one truly great day, but to have many. They are all too special to me for different reasons to be able to pinpoint one day that stood out from them all. There is still a chance that day may someday come, and when it does I hope Ill be able to recognize it. But for now I'm choosing to live each day as the greatest. I'm choosing to make a memory each day to make it great in its own special way. Because if one thing I've learned throughout my life its that things can change in an instant. People who were once a part of your life may leave, Places you once called home may change, and friends move on. So we cant waste a single second of it. We cant wait till tomorrow... because its true, it may never come. I challenge you to think what your greatest day is and I hope that in the process, like me, you may find how truly blessed you are.

Life is Short

 This morning I received some terrible news that my dear cousin Taylor Leonard and her boyfriend Nathan were in a tragic car accident that resulted in his immediate death and her being rushed to the ICU. Early this afternoon, Taylor's organs were failing and she was pronounced brain dead. It was devastating but her family made the decision to to let her go. Taylor was such a sweet amazing girl and she will be so missed. I didnt know her too well and wasnt incredibly close to her, but what I did know was that she was smart, funny, kind, loving, accepting, and very welcoming of me and my family into hers. I wish I had the chance to get to know Taylor a little better. She is only about 3 weeks younger than me. It is crazy to realize how quickly life can change. We must not take a single moment of it for granted. 
 Today has really gotten me thinking about my life and all of the things I overlook. Like how much I love and cherish my family, how important the gospel is in our lives, how great of friends I have, and how much I am grateful to wake up each day and make it through the day.
  "Life is short. Hug the people you love, the people you want to love, and the people you are supposed to       love." 

Dearest Taylor and Nathan: Rest in Peace <3

 

Ive realized today the things that I need to work on in my life. I dont want to do anything that if something were to happen to me or someone Im close to one day that I would regret my decisions earlier. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to make you realize how important your life is and how much you need to remember that it is short and you need to live each day to the fullest :) Love you Taylor and my prayers and love go out to the family.  I look forward to the day we are reunited and until then I will live peacefully knowing you are watching out for us all above! RIP

Changing of the Seasons

Well Spring Break has come and gone and as of yesterday March 20th it is officially SPRING! So Spring Break was kind of the best thing ever in my life haha I got to go visit Brooke is Hawaii for an entire week. It was so great to be able to spend the time with her. We went to the beach... a lot ha and got totally fried. We got to go shopping and eat lots of McDonalds ha and we met fun random guys and got to climb the Stairway to Heaven. It was honestly so amazing. I cant even imagine attempting to explain how perfect the scenery was. I can show pictures, but even that wont do any justice! Its okay though.... Ill see if I can still manage to make some of you jealous :)

This is the view from the top of the Stairway to Heaven. It was absolutely breathtaking. I am so glad we were able to do this while I was there. Hardest hike Ive ever done but honestly so incredibly worth it.

Me and the good ol Bestie having a fun little photo shoot :)

Brooke and I about halfway up the mountain doing Stairway to Heaven

Almost to the bottom of the mountain and looking up. Its insane to see how high up we went and all of the stairs.

Best Shaved Ice in Hawaii

I thought it was so funny how many chickens were just wandering around everywhere. And to think that my mom and Wayne went out and bought and raised some :)

Too much fun playing in the sand.

Our fun photo shoot!! Brooke is quite the photographer

Took Brooke to dinner at Turtle Bay: Lei Lei's all the way baby :)

More fun pics

hahahaha we decided to have fun with these really freaky stairs we had to hike up

Almost to the top

This temple is seriously so incredibly beautiful!!

I got hit by a friggin Big Gulp drink!!! Locals can be mean!!

Just Ms. Beckstead and I chillin at the beach watching hot surfers

Okay... you cant look at this and still tell me that it doesnt look terrifying!!! But definitely worth it. I think I would do it again. I think I would definitely do this entire trip again :) Thanks Brookie for letting me come stay with you!! <3